beautiful soul

There are some people who really just leave an imprint on your soul. You catch yourself thinking about something they said or did, years after the fact, with no real prompting to do so.

This person, for me, is Hailey-Marie Frantzen.

Hailey and I met online in high school. I was a freshman, she was a senior. Because I have always tended to be friends with those older than I, we became bosom buddies from the start. We met through a home school program called Generation Joshua, as I did so many of my friends back then!

I'm certain that we annoyed the heck out of people with our friendship. We were giggly, silly, and all-around obnoxious in expressing our friendship via the Internet. We knew each other's Xanga passwords. I mean, it doesn't get much closer than that in 2005!

Hailey and I only had the privilege of spending time together in person twice. We came from opposite sides of the country and just as I was entering the final years of high school, she was knee-deep in her college studies. This did not lend itself to as much daily conversation as we'd have liked, but we still sent silly messages and made the occasional late night dish-doing phone call.

Hailey passed away in 2011, just a week or so before I found out that I was expecting Molly. She would have loved that news. Hailey had a heart for children and we often laughed over how our someday-daughters would be smart and sassy little girls.

I left Hailey a voicemail just a few days prior to her passing. I don't know if she got it, because Hailey was a very private person about her illness and I didn't know how badly she was doing. She didn't want people to pity her. She wanted desperately to live life to the very fullest, and so she did. She did things that other people with her health problems would not have been able to do, but she was not willing to sit at home and let experiences pass her by. What a zeal for life and love she had!

Sometimes I catch myself in forgetting that she is no longer just a phone call or Skype away. I find myself wishing that I could access and re-read our old chat conversations, to glean a little extra encouragement or catch a joke I might have missed.

But this is not how it works. We can't live in the past. We have to heal from the pain of losing someone we love and rejoice in the knowledge that she whole and well and in Heaven! She is dancing and singing just as she did on Earth, but without the pain that accompanied it. She is probably challenging the decisions of some of our forefathers and trying out cheesy puns on the Apostles.

I leave you with one of my absolute favorite stories of Hailey.

We were visiting our friend Matt in Michigan, and had gone with him to one of his friend's houses for a bonfire. As we were leaving, a party-goer standing out by the cars offered Hailey a cigarette. Hailey politely declined, and as we walked away, her eyes got huge and she grabbed my arm and whispered (loudly- Hailey was NOT a quiet whisperer), "KENZY. I DID IT! I SAID NO TO DRUGS! MY MOM WOULD BE SO PROUD!!!"

Hailey did many things that made her parents proud, and I know she left a legacy for many people even though her time on this earth was short by our standards.

I have written and re-written this post for almost a year now. I struggle because I don't want to make people sad but I also have so much to say about who Hailey was. She was a beautiful writer and I know this doesn't do her justice in the way I would like for it to.